Wednesday, November 07, 2007 

Big Al's T.P. dillemna

So this post isn't necessarily for T.P., but just overall decision making (aka economics). As I'm writing this post, I have exactly 1 unused roll of toilet paper. I have a few rules when acquiring toilet paper:
1. It must be individually wrapped Kirkland T.P. from the Mecca of mass quantity - Costco.
2. I must not pay for it. Yes, everytime you have come over to the House, the T.P. has been generously donated by Mom and Dad or stolen from Casa de Big Al Vallejo. (see below).

I've tried many-a-T.P., but there's just something about Kirkland T.P. that makes it the official ass wiper of Maybe it's the individual wrapped rolls, or maybe it's the cost efficiency. The bottom line is that it just feels right. The catch with Kirkland is that despite it being about $0.50 per roll (according to PoopReport), I don't like shopping for this stuff. I believe my money should be put to better uses such as beer, pizza or sporting events. Whenever my parents come over to my place, they'll usually drop off several essentials - soap, paper towel rolls, laundry detergent and T.P. (Yes, they do this and it helps that I'm an only child, but we'll save this discussion for another time). If they don't come around before my supply runs out, I usually go back to my parent's house and steal the essentials including several rolls or 24 pack T.P.. My parents know I do this, but it's one of those things that they turn the other way, hence why they purchase multiple 24 packs of toilet paper for a household of 2 people.

Now comes my dilemma. As I previously said, I have exactly 1 unused roll left. The incumbent rolls that are in the other bathrooms probably equal 1 more roll left. So in my whole entire house I have 2 rolls of poop wiping ability left. It's Wednesday now, so barring any unexpected visitors it will last until Friday or Saturday. So what is Big Al supposed to do? Here are my choices:
1. Go to the source of material gluttony - Costco. Purchase a pack for about $12.
- It's such a waste to go to Costco for 1 of anything. It'll take me an hour to park, get the T.P. and pay for it.
- I end up seeing some bulk quantity of something else and I pick it up, so my grand total is a lot higher than $12.
- This violates the "must not pay" policy.
2. Go to my parents place.
- It's rare that I go to my parent's place on a weekday. Best case scenario is 3 hours round trip. This adheres to my "must not pay" policy.
3. Use alternative wiping tools
- Ummm... banana leaf anybody?
4. Steal enough from work to last me until I can take the trip home.
- This is an ethical decision. While I can probably take a roll here and there, it's not a very scalable plan. Who knows how long this will last. This can become an abusive situation which will only result in total embarrassment when I get caught.
5. Don't shit.
- While we all aren't regular bowel movers, and while many of us have mastered the art of holding your #2 through Poop La Masse, this can become a very tricky problem. When mother nature calls... she calls loud and proud!

I'd appreciate your feedback in Big Al's T.P. dilemma. Should I choose one of the above? Hurry! I'm in the T.P. red zone.